Hey There, Sugar!

Why is sugar not one of the main four food groups? Why can't I eat a box of donuts or Girlscout cookies without guilt or extra dimples (not the good kind)? Ugh.

I'm doing a liver detox. I'm drinking a detoxing/supplement shake twice a day and sticking to a strict diet for 10 days. (I think I can, I think I can...) Part of this detox is getting sugar out of your system. So...no cookies, donuts, cake, brownies, ice cream, Coca-cola, Seven-Up (for my Rum) or any other "treats". I can't sneak chocolate chips from the pantry, put sugar in my tea, eat honey on my biscuits, or call and ask my husband lover to bring me home a candy bar (Midnight Milky Way, yum). Plus, I can't have any alcohol-so no Rum. What's a girl to do? I'm on day 2, only eight and a half days left. (I think I can, I think I can...)

I didn't know sugar was such a big part of my life- I must've been in denial. I have a headache and I can't stop being bitchy. I'm having withdrawls. I should be locked up.

Facebook and Filters

I have a tendency to share too much, be too honest, and talk too loud.  I can’t help myself. It’s like the filter between my head and my mouth is never quite fully functioning.  It’s gotten me in trouble. My family, to this day casually refers to me as “the rude one”.  I told my sister once that I was verbally diabetic and that I could not sugar-coat my words. I thought it was funny. She did not. 

This Facebook thing is not working out too well for me. I don’t like all these people being able to see my private life and keep tabs on me.  Plus, I have to work extra hard filtering and that doesn’t come easy for me even on a good day.  I started facebooking to keep in contact with a couple of my friends who have moved away and to follow a couple of writers I like.  That’s it. But it snowballed into something more, as these things usually do. What I’ve noticed is that Facebook has a lot of “fluff”. (That’s what my sister decided to call it, after she told me I might be incapable of “fluff”), meaning its like reality TV. You get to pretend to be whoever you want and write whatever you want and pretend that is the real you. Ugh! I hate it, I want to leave comments on peoples pages saying “You’re such a fake.” And “Go to hell!” (When I see it in writing…I think maybe I am “the rude one”). But I don’t leave comments like that. Instead I decided to be proactive and I deleted about two-thirds of my “friends”. It’s rude-or so I’ve been led to believe. But, the unlucky recipient of an unfriending doesn’t get an email saying “Uh-oh, so-and-so doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore!” So, I doubt most people will even notice, thus it’s not that rude.  Of course if you’re me and your filter isn’t always charged you may run into one of these unfriended people at the grocery store.  She works there. We’re acquaintances. We don’t do things together. We don’t talk on the phone. I used to work with her now ex-husband. Anyway, I ran into her at the store and was being friendly.  I almost called her Mrs. (married name). Then I thought better of it. I didn’t know if she was keeping her married name or not. So I asked casually, “So what’s your last name now?” Her reply was “I took my maiden name back. Why, did you see on facebook that I changed my last name and have a new boyfriend?” To which I replied “No, I unfriended you.”  AAaaaack! I can’t believe I said that out loud. Since I was already sounding like a bitch I decided to jump in completely and get my hair wet. “But don’t feel bad I unfriended a lot of people and most of my family, too.”

Don’t worry we’re still acquaintances. We’re still friendly. She doesn’t charge me extra for any of my groceries. (I checked.)

Tu-Tu Much!

So sorry about the stall in blogging! I had a break in my confidence, I was lost, confused, and now I'm back! I'll fill you in later-I swear! So back to blogging.....


This weekend I got the chance to go shopping with my sister. We're both early 30's and we both have small children at home. While the kids were with Grandma, we hit the mall. It's not something we do often ever. We found ourselves in Hot Topic. I smile just saying it. I'm too old and  I'm too big. I am not fat- I'm just not 17 years old, a size zero or lacking in curves.

I went in there looking for bedroom wear. Something fun, and crazy, and yes, a little youthful! I came out with an electric yellow lace bustier-style bra that is trimmed in black satin and has a little bow smack dab between "the girls". It would make 1985 proud! And to go with it I bought a cheek showing, ruffly, almost see through, black tu-tu. I did not buy panties to wear with it!

The sales girl was so helpful. She informed us that "The tu-tus are all one size fits all." She said it sincerely with a nice smile. She must have thought I was shopping for my niece or a daughter. Hahahaha!

When she walked away my sister said "One size fits all? What does that even mean? A scarf is one size fits all, not a tu-tu or anything else you have to pull over your ass for that matter!"

We had a good laugh and despite the sizing I bought the tu-tu. I love tu-tus, I always have. They are so girly! But black makes them a little naughty, doesn't it? When we got back to the house I had to try on my sexy little ensemble. I put on the bra. It fit great and is super cute and sassy. Then I took off my jeans to reveal my practical white Hanes bikinis. Then I proceeded to wrestle the tu-tu on. Damn one size fits all! It chafed only a little and didn't cover my ass cheeks at all. I asked my sister what she thought and she laughed and said "Are you gonna wear those panties with it? Cause I really don't think they work!" I told her I didn't plan on wearing any panties at all with it and we got a good laugh out of the whole deal. I'm gonna fix how I get it on and off (I'm crafty like that!) Besides I don't want my husband lover seeing me struggle getting out of it. That would be way unsexy! Maybe I'll let you know what he thinks!

...something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate...

I love to read! I consume books-I crawl into the pages and devour the words like a starved animal. When you read with such intensity sometimes it's hard to remember what are your own feelings and what are the characters feelings. Here is the problem with that-

Right now I'm enjoying Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum Series, actually I'm in the process of reading everything Ms. Evanovich has written. Her books are so much fun! But... in every book there is a bag of donuts. Her characters eat donuts! They go to bakeries, buy bags of donuts and eat them enitirely! Either this is fiction at it's finest or I am hanging out with the wrong groups. I know very few women who would actually confess to eating a single donut, let alone a whole bag!

I want to eat donuts a bagful at a time! I love apple fritters and maple bars, sugar donuts, donut holes, cinnamon twists, the ones with chocolate frosting and little sprinkles, and boston cremes that are so fully of pudding you need a handful of napkins just to look at them. I love sucking the sweet sugary glaze off my fingertips! Mmmmmmmmm...

I wish I could eat a bagful of donuts in my nightgown every Saturday morning sipping on a hot super-chocolatey mocha. (Oh, and I don't want to get fat or guilty because of it!) Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you have secret no-no foods?

x
Mrs. Jones

Great food is like great sex. The more you have the more you want. -Gael Greene

Happy Valentine's Day

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. –author unknown

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day.  I’m not a big fan. I hate television induced romance.  Tonight I’ll put on my sexiest black bra and black lace panties and by morning they had better be nothing but shreds worthy of the trash can. Why? Because I don’t like romance just because it’s February 14 but any reason for sex is good! I only hope I don’t pass out first from a sugar induced coma brought on by the obligatory box of chocolates! Let's talk again tomorrow I'll have more to say then.

X

Mrs. Jones

Weapons of Mass Destruction

I love freshly shaved legs and new pedicures! Is there anything sexier? Long smooth legs wrapped around your lover’s waist, ankles crossed where his lower back meets his ass, and peeking up at you are those “Porn Star Pink” or “Fuck me till I’m Dead Red” toenails. Oh, the power a woman has between her thighs! So, underneath my practical mom clothes and tucked into my reliable tennis shoes I hide these fierce sexual weapons. Tonight I go to war!

Today's Adventure

I didn't name this blog The Midnight Ramblings for nothing! My house is quiet and dark and so here I am able to give my computer screen the attention it needs!

Last night I asked you to go on an adventure. Where you would go? Who would you take? What would you do?

My adventures tend to change daily if not hourly.  Outside my window there is still three feet of snow and the temperature is below 20 degrees; as soon as I'm done here I need to go put more wood in the fireplace. So...I'm dreaming of summer. Hot days, warm nights, flip-flips, and minimal clothing. If I could go on an adventure right now I would go to the State Fair. It may sound kinda lame and a small adventure but it's what I'm dreaming of right now. (So there!) I would take my lover and we would share a sno cone and cotton candy. Then we would visit the carni-folk and try our hand at some games! Maybe he would win me the biggest, pinkest stuffed teddy bear after an impressive display of baseball throwing. Even the guy running the booth would be impressed (and he's seen a lot of people try his game.) We would walk around looking at the booths and animals and go on some rides saving the ferris wheel for last when it was good and dark. Of course the ridiculously large pink bear would ride with us and we could make out like teenagers. Afterward we could get some really cold drinks (margarita for me, beer for him) at a local bar and dance to the music of a local band. We would leave before closing time and spend the night in a sleeping bag made for one camped out under the stars. Sometimes I just want it simple and fun and warm. Today would be one of those days. What about you?

Getting to Know You

I'm not gonna give you my famous pineapple upside down cake recipe or tell you how to get ink stains out of fabric. I'll leave that to the mommy blogs-there's a lot of them out there! I am not a desperate housewife. I don't cheat. I don't have murderous tendencies and we don't have a pool boy. But...if we did have a pool boy and I was a desperate housewife...well that's a post for another day!


When I was in sixth grade I remember sitting with a group of friends, both boys and girls and somebody told a joke. It was a sexual joke-something to do with a dog and peanut butter-nobody laughed. I remeber wanting to 'cause the image was funny, but since no one else did I held back. One of the girls commented on "How mature" we were since nobody laughed. What a weird memory! Do you have strange memories like that? I hope I'm not alone!


I guess what I want to tell you tonight is that we're gonna talk about some crazy stuff here and sex will probably be a hot topic. I don't want to talk about it all the time, that would be ridiculous. I want to forewarn you though; it might come up a bit (I've been accused of thinking like a guy on more than one occasion. ;D) I'm pretty sure I'm as mature as the next person, I mean I'm 30, I'm a devoted wife and mother. But we gotta get it all out there, this stuff doesn't get taken care of at PTA meetings and bake sales and I would venture to guess most of your bosses would frown on it being a topic at the staff meeting.


I'm waiting to see where this blog takes me us. Right now  I think we should start by stripping away the mom stuff, the wife stuff, the girlfriend stuff, the job stuff. Stop thinking about the dishes, laundry, homework, work-work, and "Where is that smell coming from?" Let's be women-wild and unabashed! Let's start with an adventure!


Where would you go?  Who would you take?  What would you do? I gotta go think about this for a while and check in with reality, too. So, check in tomorrow and we'll talk some more. You'll also find out about my adventure answer then!

x
Mrs. Jones



The world is full of people who will go their Whole lives and not actually Live one day-she did not intend on being on of them. -Leigh Standley

Welcome!!!

Here it is: The Virgin Post.  Aaaaahhh! I’m so nervous.

I guess I am going to start with my story. I live a pretty average life. Not a lot of excitement comes through my door. I’ve spent the last few years raising kids, cooking and perfecting my house cleaning skills. Great story; I know. So…here I am trying  “to keep up with the Jones’.”

But, I’m crazy! Bat shit insane-that’s how my girlfriend would put it. I think I do a pretty reasonable job keeping it hidden…but…I need something. Something that is all mine. An alter ego? I have thoughts and ideas and obsessions and I want to talk about it with someone. With you.  So this is mine; but it’s yours too. I know you. I am you. I am Mrs. Jones. What do you want to talk about? I’ll start…but feel free to drop me a note. Let me know what you are thinking.

Yeah, this was definitely the virgin post. It’s a mess. It’s pretty uncomfortable, a little painful-but you know what?  I kinda liked it!